Now’s The Fucking Time

In hindsight, I've realized that I'm never really satisfied but that's only because for a long time I've kind of forced myself to think that I'm not allowed to be, that I'm not allowed to take things into my own hands and make myself feel good. Even if it's at someone else's expense. Sooner or later you realize it's a dog-eat-dog world though, you either eat or be eaten. And I love eating.

Over the past couple of months (years really lol) I've been through a lot of bullshit, the kind of bullshit that makes you rethink how the world works, how we handle things, and how we police ourselves through codes of morality and whatnot. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that morality might not exist. Karma doesn't really exist. The Universe is seemingly indifferent to the beings that inhabit this earth. Morality is subjective, which I guess means it may as well not even exist either. Being strictly a good or bad person doesn't really exist because we all carry qualities of both since again, goodness and badness is also subjective, right? I'm not religious and I don't really believe there's some secret force keeping everyone in check in the world and giving people what they deserve. Sure we have free will but like, this world has been in shambles since the dawn of time really, and it's only getting worse. We're being lead and controlled by wealthy and corrupt people whose only goal is to hoard wealth, let the world die and starve, and strip us of everything that makes us human. With this world we're living in, I find it difficult to believe that there's something supernatural that's looking out for the human race.

I think people feel comforted by the idea of a god or supernatural force that can't be proven or seen, having their back through thick and thin. I'm not mad at it because we all need ways to cope, something to believe in, something to give us hope, something to make us feel better for when we've been wronged and don't know why. But because of this life of mine that I've been living, I don't think that I can subscribe to that idea. I'm becoming more of a DIY person, meaning I take matters into my own hands whenever and however I want, not waiting for some imaginary karma to balance things out. I'm really starting to think we use the concept of karma and thinking the Universe gives us what we deserve, good or bad, as a way to also police people's behavior and restrict them from doing things most would consider to be wrong or bad.

I've sat down and thought a lot on my life, truly wondering if I had done something so terribly wrong in the past to deserve what bad things that have happened to me because karma says if bad things happen to you, it's because you did something bad in the past right? Wrong. Sometimes life is really just a bitch, or rather people are bitches I guess. I might be mean and blunt but that's it, I've minded my business and kept to myself 98% of my life. Any time I popped off at somebody is because they deserved it, obviously. Although I knew I hadn't deserved the things that happened to me, I was still afraid to act on any sort of revenge that I wanted to do because I was afraid something bad would happen to me again. And it blew me, especially since I knew good and well that the people who'd made my life a living hell at one point were doing just fine still. Where was their "karma"? Their punishment?

I've always been a spiteful person by nature, I guess you can say I'm evil. I mean I am a Capricorn after all. I'm obsessed with vengeance, especially women who successfully get theirs. That's why I love female characters like O'ren Ishii, Amy Dunne, and Carrie, just to name a few crazy bitches. More often than not I find myself rooting for female villains because I empathize with them and their plight. Their mission is often framed in the movies as unnecessary, dramatic, crazy, etc. but I see through that angle and think their actions are completely appropriate. I empathize because like them, I'm always evil with a purpose, not because I'm bored and wanna see some shit go down for the fun of it. I'm a neutral evil kind of bitch which means I do whatever I need to do for me, whether if it's to move me forward in life or simply make myself feel better. My selfishness and levels of self-preservation increase every moment I spend on this earth because everyone is really looking out for themselves, so why don't I finally get on the same page? Who has the time anymore to be driving themselves crazy from being bitter and thinking about what they could've done when they can just do it?

The older you get, the more you learn about yourself through introspection. I've learned that I'm a bit of a sadist that derives pleasure from seeing people who've fucked me over in pain and distress, it's like a legitimate high for me. It feels even better when I'm the one that caused it. Nothing feels better than witnessing people getting a dose of their own medicine. I always say no bad deed goes unpunished, it just doesn't sit right with me to let people walk freely after wrecking havoc in my life. I can't live that way. It literally fucks with my sleep knowing people who've done me wrong haven't yet felt the pain that I've felt, I'm definitely not above stooping to someone's level because when they go low, I always go lower. Because we're all going to hell anyway. Being the bigger person can only get you so far in life. Sometimes you have to be chaotic and fuck shit up to let people know not to fuck with you and show them what you're capable of. I've never had it in me to be the bigger person and I don't have to be, why should I? It doesn't make me any less mature or grown than the next person, we just handle our shit differently whether you like it or not. 

My recent love triangle debacle has sparked this thought process within me because the whole situation was a literal rollercoaster. When I dug the dirt and put the puzzle pieces together, there was a mix of emotions but it was all taken over by what? A need for revenge, duh. I was angry but not the kind of angry that makes you sad and seething with aggression. It's the kind of petty angry that fuels you because now you know you have the opportunity to be messy and return the bullshit tenfold, you know whatever you do from this point forward is completely warranted because they brought this on themselves. It's the kind of angry that makes you form a small, knowing smile on your face every time you think about it because you know what you're capable of and you can't wait to act on it and show them.

Not in this life, on god's green earth, will I EVER allow a nigga and his double stuffed oreo looking handmaiden to disrespect me and get away with it. Honestly just think, if you were in my position would you really let that shit fly? Would you really? I did this for my own peace of mind because I knew they would both be annoyed, upset, and embarrassed deep down inside. Now thousands of people know your business because of me and I couldn't be happier. The smirk on my face is unmatched. 

But in all fairness, all I really did was return the energy though. It's not wrong at all. I really don't think some of us women get the credit we deserve. There are so many situations that women go through, especially with men, where the only rightful solution and payback would be homicide. Honestly. The whole, "I'll let god/karma handle it. They'll get theirs. You best revenge is success" response is soooo fucking boring. I'll be successful AND follow through with a plot. Duality bitch! Make your plans, do your dirt, do whatever you need to make yourself feel better and move on. There is no one on this earth not even god, to check you if you do. I don't care what anyone says at this point. If Donald Trump can rise to the top and become president? If niggas can still make millions of dollars and continue gaining fans despite being rapists and pedophiles? You can ruin a nigga's life real quick and embarrass him. Who gone check you, boo? 

This year I want you ladies to be okay with being angry, don't be ashamed. Do what you feel is right, Act on your angry. Be petty. Make your angry art. Write your angry love songs. Write your personal essays. Your feelings are valid as is anything you choose to do after that to make you feel better and make people pay, just make sure you're being smart about it and mostly importantly have fun. And remember it's not illegal if you don't get caught. 

"Some people never get theirs, some people just fail up. People are like, 'Well ya know, what goes around comes around.' No it don't! Sometimes it just keeps going around." 

- Chris Rock