I'm a terrible person and forgot to publish this when we initially did this cause I have 2 brain cells left, but I did a virtual roundtable with some #frens talking about the one thing in this entire world that I hate more than being penniless: men. I have eternal beef with this lesser half of the human species and I could go on and on about why they need to be completely eradicated. But instead I had a funny chat with Zayna, who is an actual goddess and the queen of Texas, and Sarah, whose face I want plastered onto mine because she's so foine. We're here to set the record straight so hopefully you dorks can get a clue and stop being such a pest in women's lives. Read it and weep, bitches.
Sarah Khan: stellar video producer, artist, writer, and unfairly hot girl
Zayna: brilliant writer, owner of my heart, and the personification of a hug
1. WHAT ATTRACTS YOU TO A MAN?
Zayna: Thoughtfulness, ambition, paying for something without the awkward thing of me having to go to the bathroom before the bill comes to make it seem like I don’t know you’re supposed to pay. Someone who’s totally comfortable with themselves, doesn’t get embarrassed or ashamed of small mistakes. Tall is always a plus, it’s true that your face can be average but the height makes up for it. Someone who makes more than the bare effort of coercing me with drinks, and can tell a joke and have it actually land.
Erin: Tactful honesty is number one, I hate dudes who feel the need to cover up the truth with unnecessary lies. There’s a way to be honest without sounding like you have no home training. If you’re feeling some type of way, let me know instead of ghosting or acting funny like a big baby. I like it when guys take the lead and take the time to make plans, I feel like a nice date is truly a lost art now. It’s always “ooo I wanna come over and chill”. Bitch boo! Plan an extravagant, fun night on the town and don’t text me again until you do. As Zayna said, you can’t be short. I no longer date men under 6ft because I’m starting to love myself. I am also a comedienne at heart so you need to be funny like me and have a sense of humor, that’s a huge one for me.
Sarah: I will not lie and say I don’t love it when people agree with me and all of my opinions. The first and only man I fell in love with challenged me, questioned my thoughts/opinions, made it his life mission to teach me new things and different perspectives -- without mansplaining/being a dick. I’m very prideful. If you find a way to make me rethink my opinions and general way of life… I will have your children. Also if you’re 6ft, handsome, and not white... Please slide into my DM’s, we don’t gotta be serious boo :*
2. WHAT CAN MEN DO TO MAKE DATING/HOOKING UP EASIER?
Z: Laugh and don’t try too hard. Literally nothing worse than someone over familiar or too closed off or any type of extreme. Also listen when women say they don’t want anything serious. I can’t explain how many times men misconstrue kindness as wanting anything more than hooking up. I’m young, attractive and my personality is rare - why would I want to commit to one person right now? Honestly listen clearly, don’t take what I say for more than what it is - RELAX. Communicate and let us know when you’re busy. Nobody likes a baby.
E: Hoooo my gawd. If you want sex, then say that firsthand! There is literally no reason for you to lie to women and lead them on because you want to put your dick in a warm hole. You don’t have to hurt people just to get some, I promise. And don’t just say, “I wanna fuck.” cause that’s tasteless and shows that you don’t even value or respect her. I know for a fact that guys are usually talking to more than one girl at a time and if you are.. Say that. I need to know if I should throw away all my hoes for you or not.
S: Please laugh at my jokes. Listen to me and I’ll listen to you. Be honest. If you just wanted a hook up situation, then just tell me! I was dating a dude who clearly didn’t want to date-date but he kept insisting that he did, it was annoying, childish, a waste of our time! If you wanted to just hookup, then you should have told me in the first place because we could have spent our time in bed instead of a musty ass bar trying to “get to know each other.”
3. HOW DO YOU LET SOMEONE KNOW YOU’RE INTERESTED IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Z: I don’t ever. It’s a pride thing, and usually isn’t necessary. I feel like if I have to tell someone we should be in a relationship, it’s doomed. Both people need to feel it. There’s no reason to pine after one guy unless he’s a literal Saudi prince or some shit. Even then, save face instead of setting yourself up for failing by making the first move. Wasting your energy on convincing a man will drain your life! Just my opinion.
E: I tell them straight up after a little bit like hey, I want my eggs cracked. I want my name dropped. Let’s get to it and not waste each other’s time. If you don’t want anything serious, cool. Get out my way so I can find my future man. But also like, on the same note I never feel like it’s good for girls to make the first move. More often than not we already know what we want and it’s the guys playing games, so we have to keep everything to ourselves just to be safe. You tell a guy you’re interested too soon and he’ll take that shit and run with it, starting playing with your emotions. I like to keep everything to myself until he gives me a bunch of signs that he wants me and only me. Till then I straddle the line of being interested but also being a mean defensive bitch.
S: i don’t
4. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN HOOKING UP/HAVING SEX?
Z: I need you to use your actual brain and imagination because I’m not white and I don’t need to look at you above me for two hours straight and see how much you adore me. I’m a small person, it doesn’t take a genius to think of crazy shit to do with my body. As my ladies said, the nut is required. Otherwise I wasted my time and effort for what? To show my friends your picture and say “look at this attractive man I hooked up with who thought my clit was located on my ass.” Embarrassing.
E: To have my eggs CRACKED. No, I’m joking. But I do want my orgasm and if I don’t get that, head is necessary. Not optional cause that’s not fair if you nut and I don’t. I will not allow gender imbalances in my bed. Not in my home. I also expect heavy ass foreplay. I’m talkin high school makeout sessions in the backseat kind of makeouts. Dry humping. Work me up!!!
S: an orgasm
5. WHAT ARE THE BIGGEST TURN-OFFS?
Z: Grown men who act younger than their age. Splitting bills, smelling bad. Dating tons of women and making a show of it - you look local, and it does the opposite of what you intend. Thinking you got more to offer than you actually do.
E: Dishonesty. Entertaining a bunch of women openly. Being bad in bed. Having no ambition in life. Smelly dicks. Guys who think they can dress but really can’t. Flexing on the tl when we both know you are living a lie. No sense of humor.
S: Being too serious. Using religion as a scapegoat. Not tall. Not funny. Not using a washcloth.
6. DOES A MAN HAVE TO IDENTIFY AS A FEMINIST?
Z: Nah, if he does it’s fake news, alternative facts, whatever ya’ll call it. I’ll literally puke if a man tells me he’s a feminist or a poet. They don’t have the range. I’m militant enough for the both of us and I can literally sniff bullshit off of a man from a mile away. So doing all that extra identifying isn’t necessary. Be kind, be earnest, stay in your lane and practice respect. That’s literally all I ask. I don’t need the huge performance of pretending to know the female struggle. Ya’ll caused the struggle, now your job is to leave us alone and do what we ask.
E: No but if he does I’m calling the police. Male feminists are the fakest thing since like, I don’t even know what yet. But I’ve peeped it’s alwayss male feminists doing the grimiest shit and they disgust me, it’s so performative every time. If you’re really doing the work, you don’t need to announce it or even put a label on it. Your work should speak for itself, and trust me when I say women can tell when you’re being real and when you’re being a performative dipshit.
S: Every time I see a man with a shirt that says, “FEMINIST” - I look the other way and run. Y’all are whack as fuuuuuuuuckkkkk
7. WOULD YOU DATE MEN WHO PREDOMINANTLY DATE WHITE WOMEN?
Z: No, they have bad taste in literally everything. They watch late night shows on HBO and think they’re intellectual, they put thought into IG captions as if it makes them deep. I’m not about it. Keep that energy away from me. You will not be treating me the same way you regard white women. I don’t need it. Men who date white girls in 2018? Absolute pass.
E: I may as well fuck someone with a bunch of STDs. I don’t need that evil energy in my vagina or in my life. Dating white women shows you have some work to do intellectually/spiritually/emotionally/etc. and I will not be a part of it. Unless you pay me. 😁
S: i’m not stupid
8. WHAT’S THE MOST IRRITATING ASPECT OF DATING?
Z: Interperting clear communication as interest. If I’m asking to see someone at night, it means I need to hook up - I’m not trying to marry you. Men pivot their entire lives, they believe they need assertive women - but can’t take when you are. I won’t beg for your time, I hate flirting, playing games or having to prove over and over that I’m into someone. Let me know when you have time to see me, follow up, and we’re cool. If not, be clear and cut it off.
E: The fact that the beginning stages is always sort of like a competition, everyone is encouraged to talk to several people at once so it’s sort of a given that you’re up against other girls. Now you have to like compete for a dude’s attention and it’s honestly exhausting. It’s lowkey some hunger games shit. Dating is a huge game that I just really don’t like playing.
S: the “game” -- i’m too bitter and old, please just text me in a timely manner.
9. WHAT DIFFERENTIATES A GUY YOU’RE JUST HOOKING UP WITH, TO SOMEONE YOU WANT TO BE WITH?
Z: Someone who has their shit together not only financially, but mentally. You need to be decisive, clear, and fun. Honestly, if I’m casually hooking up with someone, there’s like little to no chance I’d want to pursue something serious. I’m usually going to act a different way and prolong hooking up if I see potential for long term shit with someone.
E: If I truly see myself with in the distant future and have never had doubts about him or feel uneasy. If I like you enough to introduce you to my mom and I want you around my family, that means I wanna date you and you’ll be stuck with me for as long as I can help it. But most importantly I need to know we’re on the same page, I’m not gonna play myself and wanna be with you knowing you want something completely different.
S: If I find myself thinking about him. But then I remind myself that there is no way I’m settling with a bland ass banker from the suburbs of California just because he gives good head. Nah, not today or ever.
10. DO WOMEN WANT TO STAY FRIENDS WITH MEN THEY’VE HOOKED UP WITH?
Z: I only hook up with people I actually enjoy talking to, so yeah. I’m down to stay friends with men who can stay cool. As long as there aren’t unresolved issues on both ends and if we can just hang out and keep the same energy, why not. I’m down for friends with benefits too, but that takes someone you fully trust to not fuck you over, and that man is non-existent.
E: What am I going to gain from it? No seriously like I don’t like the idea of having male friends. They’re doodoo. Me and most of the dudes I’ve hooked up with are no longer in contact so *insert Oprah gif*
S: I’m friends with a few people I’ve hooked up with. But to me, the term ‘friends’ just means I’m cordial when I see them and if I have a question about something they’re good at, I can easily text them. We aren’t hanging out, we aren’t going to text “whats up” unless that text leads to you coming over with wine
11. WHAT’S THE BEST DATE YOU’VE BEEN ON?
Z: Honestly I’m bougie when it comes to literally everything else but dates. I’ve enjoyed just hanging out with someone at their place and watching movies. I don’t necessarily feel insecure if that’s what we both agree dating is to us. It’s another thing if a guy is purposefully calling you late as fuck to his place with no explanation. But getting extended time with someone in a place they’re comfortable is unbeatable. I love hiking or spending the day walking through a city. I don’t like elaborate plans. Gives me anxiety.
E: This dude who ruined my life took me to Bonchon in Chinatown, he paid for everything cause I sure as hell wasn’t, then we spent 2 hours in the back of his car sleeping, holding each other and kissing because he parked in an alleyway and we were trapped. Good times. It’s still fuck him tho.
S: Dave and Busters. First date. He paid for everything. He won me a basketball, pikachu plush, candy, etc. I went home around 3am. It was all super simple. He didn’t make any moves, didn’t cross any lines, he always looked at me in my eyes. At that point, I hadn’t been on any kind of date in 2 years. I was super nervous, I even wanted to turn my car around and go back home. I was going to make some stupid excuse. He ended up cheating on me multiple times lol.
12. WHAT’S THE WORST DATE YOU’VE BEEN ON?
Z: I went hiking with this guy once in college, and the whole time I felt as if I truly had to drag the conversation out of his mouth. I felt physical pain from trying that hard to talk to someone. I literally begged for it to end. I told him we should walk back to his car, and he called an uber for a .3 mile walk. He then suggested Chipotle as our meal, which I hate, and didn’t pay (he was literally filthy rich). I left as soon as I could and then an hour later he came to my apartment to play cards with my friends and I. I was astonished. That’s when I realized I will never date men my age who don’t know their head from their ass. They don’t have the range.
E: Last summer I went on a date with this dude from Tinder and he was such a broke boi I don’t know why I did that omg. We agreed to go to the movies the same night we matched and he was like, “I’ll meet you on the train at 15th street.” And I was like ew he doesn’t have a car. Then he was telling me about how he’s literally like lowkey broke and just got a job at some warehouse or some shit and I was like k. He paid for the movie and tried to kiss on me and shit during and after the movie and I was like sir pls... THEEN he missed his train cause he lived in a different part of the city and it didn’t run again until like 6am and he was like, “can I stay at your place until the trains start running again? I don’t money for an Uber.” Bitch I screamed, hopped on the train home, and never spoke to him again.
S: no comment.
13. WHO’S A CELEBRITY YOU’D MARRY AND WHY?
Z: Adam Driver or Keanu Reeves. Both look ethnic, are super tall, and mind their business.
E: Imma keep it real witchu chief. I’d beat Lisa Bonet’s ass and all her kids for Jason Momoa. Tall, built, got bundles. Whew.
S: Jeff Goldblum. I’m not ashamed!!!!!!!
14. WHAT’S YOUR DREAM MAN LIKE?
Z: Super open, charismatic and funny. I never have to doubt how much I’m valued. Generous, doesn’t have a weird mom or family. Good with kids, has money. Minds his business and doesn’t have a wandering eye. Good looking in a non-obvious way. Tall. Actually listens when I complain and attempts to change. Let’s me know when he’s busy so I’m not wondering if he’s like dead or cheating on me, lmfao.
E: He’s tall, at least 6ft. Strong as fuck and likes to pick me up like I’m a weight at the gym. Is a family person. Is rich. Loves to watch movies. Has curly hair or dreads. Is rich. Has no problem giving me words of affirmation on a daily basis by telling me how much he loves and appreciates me and shit. Really listens to me and takes into account any concerns I have and doesn’t gaslight me and ignore me. Good and consistent communicator. Funny like me and willing to indulge in dry humorous convos with me. Is affectionate.
S: writing this out is just gonna make me sad because that dude doesn’t exist!!!
Follow Sarah on Instagram: @sarahanwerkhan
Follow Me on Instagram: @anaydnire