Erin1 Comment

It's All Fun And Games Until...

Erin1 Comment
It's All Fun And Games Until...

Let me just state for the record so that you guys know; I will be talking about relationships/love a lot on here because it's something that has colonized my mind and has no intentions on leaving. Much like white South Africans.

I joke a lot about getting dick/dick appointments (even tho it never happens, because as you know I am only here for the memes) and breaking boys hearts but when it comes down to it, I'm actually like meh because I don't truly want any of that. I want a passionate, whirlwind romance on some The Notebook shit. Minus the rain (mayhaps just a slight drizzle instead). I want a love that's equivalent to All Night by Beyonce. Minus the infidelity. 

Despite the fact that I don't have much time to wipe my ass, let alone think and analyze every relationship I've had with a man, I still manage to do it all the time. Against my will. And after calculating my calculations, I've come to the conclusion that I must somehow just be a vagina? Like there's nothing else here. Not even legs or arms. Just a brown vagina walking the streets. Floating in the air. Looky dere.

I'm starting to believe I have of trouble attracting guys that think I'm more than a warm, vaginal opening. Not to sound like that whiny pretty girl but I'm gonna be that whiny pretty girl because it's fucking up my kind of nonexistent love life and it's a bit depressing when you're someone like me hates being alone. I'm a cute girl, I know that. But with that comes a sort of tunnel vision, especially when you're a black girl. Guys literally only see and want one thing (read that in a stern dad voice). It's like they see a black girl and the sex switch in their tiny little pecan-sized brains flips to the "on" setting. And it never goes off. At that moment I get turned into an object, and not a girl who's just standing in front of a boy, asking him to love ha. 

No but seriously, it's like I'm not even a real person anymore. No longer a girl who has feelings, interests, goals, none of that. I'm nobody. I'm nothing. I don't want to be pessimistic about love and my future because I'm still young but all of the situationships, shituationships, and almost-relationships I've had have been with men who were only interested in sex or my nonexistent nudes. They would go so far as to act as if they wanted to be my friend just to get some cutty, which is sad and pathetic on so many different levels that I cannot even begin to explain. You gotta LIE for some pussy?! My dude... But the gag is after I told them I don't get down like that, the communication slowly started to dwindle. Then it stopped altogether. Then I was back at square one, all alone. Just me and my cat. Pun intended, because I actually do have a cat whom I love dearly. 

I'm all for having casual sex, I really am. Half the time that's what I'm in the mood for (or what I think I'm in the mood for). But the idea of it becomes less appealing when all you've ever experienced is men who only want to fuck you. That, and the fact that I'm highly emotional and catch feelings quicker than no other, is just a dysfunctional pairing. These guys spend more time and energy lying to you to try to get that out of you, rather than just being a genuine person. It's a 100% off discount with me to be a real nigga and be honest. You only wanna fuck? Then just say that, don't try to act like you wanted to actually be my friend and that we could still be cool whether we had sex or not. Not that you telling me you only want sex and basically view me as a sexual object instead of a real person makes me feel any better, but I would kind of appreciate the honesty because then less of my time and energy would've been wasted on you because I knew what to expect. 

I've grown weary and tired of all men now because of this. Every time I see a cute guy I remember all the bullshit that's happened before and I look the other way and just forget about it because I don't feel like going through that again. I started to kind of blame myself and really took a look at myself and wondered if I was ever coming off ass suggestive or sexual because apparently "you are what you attract" or whatever victim-blaming ass spiritual shit y'all like to spout. And really... no. I'm the total opposite of being openly sexual. I'm a meek little mouse who dresses like Dustin from Stranger Things, and my demeanor is very shy and demure. Not on no Pick Me™ shit, I just really don't feel comfortable having my goods out and drawing attention to myself. It's always the last thing me and my anxiety want.

This repeated cycle of guys only befriending you so they can fuck really took a toll on me after a while. It made me feel worthless and insignificant, like I'm literally only good for one thing. Like I'm not worthy enough to pursue a relationship with and put in effort for, let alone even just remain platonic friends with. I'm admittedly very sensitive and too full of emotions to not let any of this get to me and to be a casual hoe. I am the opposite of casual when it comes to anything remotely emotional. I wish I could just brush it off like it's nothing but being the person that I am, I analyze every relationship with every person I've ever had, romantic or not. And after noticing a pattern I can't help but start to blame myself. But there is always a common denominator; is it me or just men in general?

I remember having this convo with my good sis Dallas a few months ago and found out that I'm not the only one who deals with this shit. I was well aware of the hyper-sexualization of black women but it never actually occurred to me that it was actually happening to me as well. It's like I'm a Jezebel in everyone's eyes no matter how I present as. Being dark skinned doesn't make it any easier since folks still think dark skinned woman = mysterious and highly sexual creature with an insatiable taste for da secks, like a thirsty ass Dracula. I would also like to plug in one more twitter and that is the wonderful Bad_Dominicana with this thread discussing how violent and detrimental casual sex for black women can be because of hypersexualization of our bodies.

Unfortunately I don't really quite have a solution to this issue and I just wanted to be messy and rant a little because the same shit keeps happening to me over and over again. Just recently, like a week ago, it happened and it brought back memories. I was having war flashbacks and needed an outlet right quick because apparently it's socially unacceptable to yell these things out loud if you have neighbors. Feel free to comment below or tweet me your thoughts and experiences!