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19 Things I Learned From Being In Germany

ErinComment
19 Things I Learned From Being In Germany

Before reading this post and laughing your ass off, I strongly suggest you read about my stay in Munich two weeks ago to get you caught up to speed and then we shall go from there. 

Being An Au Pair Is Kind Of Booty

Granted I've only been with one family and I only stayed for a week, I'm still kind of glad I had the experience because now I know I'll never do it again and I can warn others and give them advice on being an au pair. Which is don't lool. Jk. But it definitely isn't for me. I still felt like I was living at home since I was living under someone else's roof, following their rules, and basically being treated like a child. That was the last thing I wanted, and I didn't feel like risking it again by rematching with another family. The amount of time and energy you spend taking care of these people's kids is not worth the amount you get paid, just know that now.

Many of these families actually need a nanny but they figure an au pair is cheaper so they look for foreign, young girls to prey on instead. These host families don't give a fuck about a cultural exchange, they'll make you watch their children as much as they can, pay you as little as they can, and whisk you off to a lame ass language school and call that a cultural exchange. It's ass imo, there's other ways to travel and experience new cultures that doesn't involve you potentially being a slave. I also didn't realize how much I hate the concept of living with your boss until I actually did it. It was weird, annoying, and awkward, because these people would not leave me the hell alone.

"Why are you always in your room? You never talk to us!" Um sorry but I've been watching your kids for a hot minute and I would love to take a nap, not linger around upstairs so your kids can bother me some more since you never seem to tell them I'm off-duty. Lines were blurred and boundaries were crossed because of the whole employee/extended family member role I played as an au pair and I hated it. I'm the type of person who clocks out as soon as their shift is done and I don't look back, what I do with my time is none of your business. I did my job and I did what you asked, now leave me alone abeg.

I'm also a very quiet person who enjoys my time alone, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Except money. Then I could spend the money on a nice small home on an island somewhere and be REALLY alone. I hate being around people that complain about how quiet I am like.. do you ever shut the fuck up. You should try being like me instead, it's cool shit.

I'm Not A Morning Person

In order to officially become an au pair I had to pass a language exam for my visa test, which meant I had to go to language school (sike). From 8:30-11:30am Monday-Thursday.. excuse me? I think the fuck not. The thought of waking up at 6am to get my day started triggered me because it reminded me of my depressing high school days when I'd wake up at 5:30 and contemplate purposefully walking in front of a SEPTA bus at the Frankford Terminal. I've accepted that I'm a night owl, I have a hard time waking up early and being happy and productive in the morning. It's just not going to happen, like ever. I'll die before I become a morning person. Anything earlier than 11am or even 12 is very overwhelming for a lazy night owl heathen like me. 

Living In Germany Longterm Is NOT The Move

Though I do love Berlin, I don't see myself living anywhere in Germany longterm unless I was rich or something. My friends here have been telling me how difficult it can be to live here, especially as a foreigner and I'm like nope. It's hard enough living in the US, so imagine doing that in a different country. Me no have the time, money, or patience! Especially for Munich, I would 100% never live there. It's the most boring and weirdest place I've ever been and if I ever went back there I would definitely be triggered again. I'd only do like, a long visit to Berlin like once a year for a month or something like that. Not forever though. There's no papi stores, stray cats, or niggas riding dirt bikes down the street at 2am. Issa no from me.

I Will Fight Someone's Child

You know when you're like, "I don't like other people's kids but I would only like my own"? Yeah that's me to a T with my baby cousin and my future children. I thought since I loved babysitting my own cousin that I could watch other people's children too but nah. I was watching this 4 year old girl and there were several occasions where I wanted to curse her out and square up, my patience was thin with that little girl. I couldn’t say anything so most of the time I just had to roll my eyes and mean mug her so she knew to stop playing with me and stop being obnoxious. 

I Will Fight Somebody's Grandmother Too

These old hags can get their teeth kicked in by yours truly. I was on the escalator with an acquaintance and they were telling me how I needed to stand on the right side so people could walk up the left, otherwise the old German people will get mad at you. I could've shit my pants from how hard I was internally laughing at that whole concept. 1) It's a fucking escalator. Why the hell are you walking up an escalator? There's stairs right next to it, you old obnoxious asshole. 2) I dare one of these old bitches to say something to me! Like it ain't nothing for me to push you down the steps with the push of a finger. 

I also had an incident where I was going to pick one of those little German devils on a bike from school and I got lost, so I called their mom for directions. While she was giving me directions, I was on the phone and crossing the street onto the sidewalk. This woman who looked like the witch from Hansel and Gretel was on a bike and almost crashed into me, so she proceeded to babble some shit out loud in German like I gave a fuck or even understood. Being me, I covered my phone and said, "bitch shut up!" and continued my conversation like normal.

Lots of Fine Men Reside In Berlin

I made it a goal of mine to rack up as many Tinder matches as possible while I was there, to keep as souvenirs of sorts when I go back home. I'll sit there and look at my matches, remembering all the fine men I left behind. There's a lot of Turkish, Arab, and Southeast Asian men here which I am not mad at at all. Anything but boring Anglo-Saxon white men is fine with me at this point. I do plan on coming back to this city as soon as I can and find my future husband.

These Hoes Is Healthy

First night I got to my host family's home, the mom said she was gonna go out and get some pizza so I was like okay, cool. This bitch comes back home with fresh pizza ingredients and we ended up making our own personal pizzas from scratch. I was shaking. The whole fridge was filled with yogurt and vegetables. I was both impressed and disgusted. 

Europeans Are Racially Ignorant As Hell

But we been knew. "There's no racism in Germany/Europe!" the host mother kept insisting to me as I looked out the window with a blank face, hoping a meteorite would come raining down on me and this house like the holy ghost. This woman was biracial and being in a white place like Germany, white people wouldn't care because there's not much of a variety of Black people there so she's simply just Black to them. But my god, she kept telling me stories of how rude Black americans were to her and how we contribute to segregation because we like to kick it with our own people instead of integrating our parties and shit with white people. It was like the dumbest, and most whiny bullshit I've ever heard. It's like she thought if Black and white people sat together at lunch everyday then racism would be eradicated. It was the most embarrassing exchange I'd ever had, at least in person. 

She also emphasized to me that here, Europeans don't care about race, it's just nationality they care about. Which is also bullshit. "In the states you see yourself as this Black american girl, but here you're just American."

WHAT?

WHAT?

I'm mad I left that family without getting the tea on which kind of crack they smoke. You have to be several types of remedial to think race isn't a thing in Europe, you just have to be. Like did we all forget that Europeans are the reason racism, colorism, imperialism, colonialism, etc. and everything that's a byproduct of the aforementioned, exist? DID WE? Europeans think they're slick, they like to paint Americans as barbaric and uncivilized when 1) we're like the unruly son of Britain, 2) just because Europeans like to stare at Black people like we have three heads and their officers kill Black people less often, that doesn't make you NOT racist or any better.

Islamophobia is apparently a huge thing in Germany and it's being framed by some as simply not racism, but an intolerance to those refusing to assimilate to "German culture" (whatever the fuck that is) i.e no longer wearing a hijab in public. I also call bullshit on that because that intolerance is literally the basis of islamophobia, you don't like seeing muslim women in burkas and hijabs so you react negatively to it, I assure you it has nothing to do with your lame bland ass culture but you just being a racist asshole. 

I didn't expect much from a biracial woman with a white mother who was raised by white people in a white country but damn, you'd think the fact that sticking out like a sore thumb amongst your peers would give you a little common sense and perspective, but I guess not. This woman had the soul and brain of a white woman and it was the most unbearable thing. She called me racist because I explained to her why I'm not really interested in surrounding myself with white people ever, but especially in a foreign country like Germany. To put it short, the parents of the family I stayed with were advocates for a colorblind world and I'm glad I go out of there. She had no issue talking shit about her Nigerian father and the faulty ways of Africans as a whole but was so reluctant to even acknowledge how white people are inherently racist. Please bite me.

The parents were like, "so would our kids be considered Black in america?" Chilee...

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If they were slaves, yeah. But it is 2017, they are quadroons, and could pass for children belonging to Bradgelina. If you knew what those kids looked like, you would laugh so hard at that question your appendix would burst and you'd probably die. The racially confused bimbos then proceeded to ask me how Latinos and Indians are classified. "Are they white too? Or are Indians like half black? Are Latinos not white?"

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Are you DUMB? WHY would Indians be Black? Do you know Asian is a race category within which they belong?! Oh my god. What are you Europeans learning.

They Toilet Paper A Lil Thicc

A lil too thicc. Felt like I was wiping my ass with construction paper. 

If You're An Au Pair, Pay Your Own Phone Bill

God forbid something goes wrong between you and the family and they cut off your cell phone service, because that shit happened to me and it was not fun. Quite terrifying, actually. So if they offer to pay for your bill and service, just be like nah I got this. Letting them control whether or not your phone even works can turn into a manipulative situation real quick. 

Being Around People That Speak A Different Language 24/7 Will Spike Your Anxiety

You're just standing or sitting there and everyone around you like jajajaj das aksjnfkjneffjk guten tag, and you're like, "Damn. What these hoes talkin' about? Are they talking about ME? What if they're talking about me? I knew I should've worn a different jacket and actually brushed my hair today. Shit." It was not good for me, but thank god for earphones cause my music drowned out the sounds of other people so instead of my hyper-fixating on what strangers are saying, I was focused on Missy Elliot instead. 

They're Annoyingly Formal People

These niggas set the table for every little thing, even snack time. They use the finest of dishes for every meal. Ain't they ever heard of paper platers and plastic forks? They running that dishwasher like twice a day. And whenever they hangout with people for the first time, apparently it's mandatory to send a text saying you had a good time. Like y'all really do this? Bitch you live like this? Well what if I didn't have a good time? What if I don't wanna hang out with that person again and just dip and pretend they don't exist? Did you ever think about that? No, you didn't. Mind your business. 

I’m a very casual person, like I’ll wear sweatpants ANYWHERE if it’s not a party basically. I use my phone at the dinner table cause a bitch needs entertainment when I’m eating, I don’t like to just sit there and stare at my plate while I’m eating. That’s dumb. If we’re friends and I like you and wanna hang out with you again, you’ll know it. And if you can’t pick up on those cues I will let you know in the future next time I ask to chill with you. What do I look like going to the mall with someone and going, “Had a great time xoxo”. Like no. I don’t do none of that forced extra shit.  

Their Tap Water Is A1

For once I wasn't paranoid or afraid of drinking water from the sink, not thinking it was like recycled toilet water or something. Their tap water literally tastes like NOTHING. No weird aftertaste or anything. Dasani is shaking. 

German/Deutsch Is Not A Cute Language

And I hate the structure of their words/sentences. It sounds like a severe case of illiteracy when translated into English. Out of spite for Germany as a whole, I will continue to pick up learning Spanish, a beautiful romantic language that effortlessly rolls off the tongue aND looks good on paper.

German Toilets, However, Are Bomb

Do you know how freeing it is to take a dump and not have to worry about clogging the toilet? It's TMI time ladies, we've all been there. The toilets in Germany use way less water than American toilets, have 2 buttons for different pressures, AND the pressure overall is better so you don't need to worry about it getting clogged. The big button is for dookie and the small button is for pee pee. The more you know *rainbow emoji*.

Customer Service Is Trash Here

I ordered food from lieferando.de from a place called Cocktail Haus (yes I'm putting them on blast so the girls know) and after two hours of waiting for my god damn Ben and Jerry's ice cream and mango lassi, I mysteriously received an email saying my food was delivered when that was a boldfaced lie. I called the restaurant directly and asked them what was going on with my order. Guy on the phone acted like he couldn't understand me and just hung up on me. I called again and told them to get someone who spoke english cause I wasn't playing with them and my 14 euros worth of food that was taken out of my account already.

Boul on the phone said there was no record of my order, I said bitch whet? I tell my dear friend Mariama that I'm staying with (and who actually speaks German) the situation and she talks to them for me in German and magically they tell her the food will be here soon. Two hours later the food is still isn’t here and we're like okay this is trash, we want ice cream. We call Lieferando and they give me a refund. Then Mariama tells me it's a common thing for some Germans to try to scam from English-speaking people and give them shitty service but be fine and dandy with German-speaking people. So naturally, you know I added that to my list of reasons of why I hate Germans.

The bottom line is, customer service here is nothing like America. While I think America is very over the top with it, Europe, or at least Germany, is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. They just don't give a fuck. It's possible to have a balance of having pleasant customer service without cracking your face from smiling fakery all the time or being careless, but I guess they haven't grasped that concept yet. And me being a Black woman, y'all know we can't stand a rude bitch in customer service so it took everything in me not to curse a few of these workers out during my stay here cause lord knows I would've. But I'm Black and foreign and I'd rather not get in trouble for beating someone's ass abroad. When you get here, just don't feel bad for being rude to some of these fuckers cause they deserve it. 

I Could Never Surround Myself With A Bunch of Caucasians 

Being around people that look like me and at the very least aren’t white is crucial for me. I don’t know what planet some of you are living on where being surrounded by a group of people like white people is healthy and okay as a Black person, but it’s not for me. It is for the birds. I need to be around my own people. I have no interest in befriending white people for a plethora of reasons, especialmente white women. I would literally lose my mind and end up going to jail for something like attempted murder or assault.

 ”You need to broaden your horizons and meet new people!” Dealing with white people on any level is like, not the life I want to live. Having white friends... what am I goin to gain from it? Nothing but a headache, literally. I want to live a life of ease and comfort and white people don’t fit in to that equation anywhere. Unless a rich white man wants to marry me.

Europeans Love Whatsapp

Why? What's the tea on this little green texting application? Why can't y'all just use the texting app that comes with your phones? Why y'all gotta be extra and make me download another app just to text you? Are you mad? You people are dog! You people are donkey! You people are cow!

Everything Doesn't Always Work Out

And that is okay. Sometimes you’ll have a detailed plan with specific steps on how you’ll get somewhere in life and how you want things to go for yourself, but shit happens and people clash. Things won’t always be pretty and turn out the way you thought it would but sometimes it’s a blessing in disguise, even if you don’t realize it at that moment. What’s important is that you learn from your experience, your mistakes, and you take what you’ve learned to make a new plan for yourself that you can execute better in the future. Don’t dwell on shit because it didn’t have a happy ending, realize that sometimes the Universe likes to give her share of tough love so you learn that hard way and gain immense wisdom after your negative experiences so you can go forth in life better than you did before, really.