I was recently sitting on my couch watching popcorn time, scrolling through the movie selection while thinking about how alone I am. Not necessarily lonely, but simply just alone. I don't have many super close friends. I have plenty of acquaintances and friends that I talk to on a semi-regular basis, mostly my mutuals on twitter, but that's it. I don't have a best friend, no one that I talk to on a daily or regular basis. No one that I deeply confide in. I don't really talk to or hang out with any of my coworkers outside of work since they're all annoying freaks. I spend a vast amount of time alone, in my home, doing things that I guess would be considered boring to most (I wish I cared). I find myself thinking deeply about relationships and how I am with them, especially since Venus is in retrograde. It's given me lots of clarity about things that have been sort of a burden on me, and one of them was the concept of absolutely needing female friendships in a woman's life.
Really, I'm starting to think that I may be one of those people that's not meant to have a best friend. Don't know if that's good or bad, but I think that's the way I'm set up. And at this point in my life I don't have a problem with it. It's less pressure and work if I'm being honest. I'm actually admittedly quite terrible with maintaining friendships, so it may be for the best. At least until I learn to work on that. Or maybe it's not something that can be worked on. I don't know, human nature be having me fucked up really. Many, if not all of my relationships and friendships, are fleeting. They fade with the same time it took to form them. I'm also inconsistent as hell. Or maybe not? I guess that can be up for debate because truthfully speaking I don't owe anyone shit, that includes my time and regular check-ins with friends. I'm not the kind of person who likes or even feels the need to talk to and check up on someone every single day cause I'll get sick of you. Unless you're my man and I really fucks with you.
And maybe that's what gets me into trouble and is the breaking point of any relationship (platonic and romantic) that I've ever had. I'm quick to give up, but not in a defeatist way. More like "I've done what I can, and I'm not gonna keep giving more if you don't meet me halfway" sort of fashion. I'm good at recognizing when to get out of a situation before it turns sour, no matter how early on it may be. I got them spidey senses. There's really never any hard feelings on my end by the time I've made my decision to fall back. It's mostly just contentment with a dash of disappointment.
By the time I've fallen back from people and decided to be by myself I'm like, "aahh. Now I can mentally kick back and relax and not have to keep texting first and initiating plans that only come to life 50% of the time. Instead of engaging in boring conversations that end up turning into 1-2 worded replies, I can have a dry phone again." There's always a sense of subtle joy mixed with melancholy when that happens. Joy because the introvert in me pops her pussy when she's alone. Melancholy mostly because I wish I could be someone who has strong relationships and easily maintained them without being so easily drained and forgetful. Maybe I haven't met the right people to click with. Maybe even after all these years I still have some emotional work to do and am still not in the right headspace. Who knows. All I know is that this is where I am right now in life and only time will tell if it'll change or improve.
Nowadays days girl gangs™, female empowerment, and just generally having some sort of close platonic relationship with a woman seems to be the most important thing. Sisterhood, women's solidarity and shit. It's what's being pushed as one of the top 5 necessities in a woman's life alongside your go-to lipstick and signature perfume. I'm not here to tell the tale of Miss Misfit and how I never fit in anywhere, despite that actually being the case my whole life, because I'm way past that. I no longer wallow in self-pity over the fact that I never belonged to a clique in high school and haven't had an actual best friend since middle school. I'm 20 years old now and honestly? I feel like it's a bit pointless and semi-childish to still be so preoccupied with having a bestie or tight knit group of friends. What matters more than anything is the relationship I have with myself. That'll always be the case, at least for me. Because at the end of the day I'm the only one I've got. Extremely cliche but extremely literal and true no matter which way you flip it.
I feel like the same importance we place on not needing men, we should do the same with girlfriends. I personally don't like the idea of relying on anyone to make me feel healthy, complete, whole, and normal. Because lord knows some of you like to look at people side ways when it's revealed they don't have many friends, if any. Not saying that the concept of having a best friend is stupid or that you should choose to be completely antisocial with zero friends but, it doesn't make you abnormal or something if you don't have a best friend. Or a group of girlfriends that you chill with every week. I think just having a healthy relationship with yourself, being content with being alone, and having friends that you can talk to in general is all you need. It's gucci, you're fine. We're fine. I promise.