Erin3 Comments

A Week With A Family of German Devils

Erin3 Comments
A Week With A Family of German Devils

As some of you may have noticed, I'm not on that big blue Twitter app being the mean and unabashedly honest heathen that I am and that is because I am currently in Berlin trying to get my life back together. I would post this on twitter now since I have 280 characters but like, ew. That's what $16 a month blogs are for! Now let's begin this story.


I feel like I've told this story a million times since it happened and it's honestly a pain in my flat ass at this point to retell the story it in detail again but I'm going to do it anyway because I have nothing better to do at the moment.

Basically, I contacted a family on after finding out what an au pair was and making my profile. An au pair is like a babysitter and exchange student hybrid. You travel abroad and stay with another family and take care of their children for x amount of months, and do light housework in exchange for a meager sum of pocket money (depends on the family mostly) and room & board. I messaged this family only because the mom was Black (later I found out she was a batshit crazy biracial) and their kids were cute, I figured if I was gonna be in a white ass place like Germany I may as well find a Black person to stay with at least.

We interviewed, texted, facetimed, etc. and thought we would be a great fit for each other so we drew up the contract, I signed it, got my passport, yada yada. The contract, which wasn't even regulated by anyone so I don't see what the purpose of it was really cause nobody was gonna arrest me or beat my ass if I broke that contract, stated that I was to start work on November 1st, do no more than 30 hours a week, and had one day off a week. I also had to go to language school in the morning for 3 hours Monday-Thursday in order to pass the test for my visa. Since they paid for my plane ticket, it was also agreed that I'd pay them back in increments of 60 euros a month (big mistake, huge). Before I arrived, I was fine with the contract and requirements on my part. Once I arrived, however, it was all a different story.

They had a 2 year old son and a 4 year old daughter, both of whom adored me and rightfully so because duh who wouldn't. I arrived October 27th and they had me working the next day even though I was supposed to take a few days to get settled in, THEN start on November 1st. I didn't say anything because I just got there and I didn't wanna make no trouble. Big mistake. Huge. Dey tried to play me.

The next few days consisted of them showing me the ropes on how to manage their kids when they're not around i.e what they like to eat, their favorite games, how to discipline them, etc. My schedule was something like this; pick the kids up from school at 2:30pm, bring them home and give them a snack, and supervise/entertain them until 6-7:30pm or whenever the hell the parents came home. Sounds easy, right? Nah. Those kids were a handful and were bored out of their minds all the time since they couldn't go outside ('twas cold) and didn't have tvs, so they ran around like mad men singing random songs in German and making whatever mess they could. By the time those parents came home I was exhausted. Then I realized I was gonna have to wake up hella early in the morning and sit there and learn this gibberish pretzel language for 3 hours straight and that, that is when I lost it and realized I don't have the range.

After settling into my routine and adding in the time for language school, I realized I was never gonna have the time or energy to write. That is fucking terrible and completely unacceptable to me, and I am still not sorry about it. I could never put some random family's needs in front of my dreams like that. To make matters worse, I had the most cringeworthy conversation about race with the parents and gouging my eyes out with a dirty fork from the dishwasher would've been more enjoyable than listening to this salad finger-looking white man and his biracial wife who thinks she's white, fervently claim that Europe doesn't have a racism problem. It put me off so much, the thought of living with two idiots like that.

And THEEN I had another conversation with their previous au pair who left after 6 months when she was supposed to stay for 12 (I'm really proud that I broke everyone's record and left after a week), and she basically reaffirmed to me how crazy and manipulative the family is to their au pairs. It kind of scared me a little, and it made me even more uncomfortable to stay there. But of course I couldn't tell the parents that, god knows what they'd do if I told them I know that they're pathological antiblack liars who put on a facade for everyone that comes into contact with them. I lied on Sunday night, a week after I arrived, and told them I'm putting my 2 weeks in. Big mistake. Huge.

I thought about it that night and realized I don't want to stay in that fancy dump for another 2 weeks, especially since they were still trying to force me to go to language school. I was so over them trying to force me to do shit I explicitly told them several times I didn't want to do and quite frankly it pissed me off the more I thought about it. "You need to go out! You need to make friends! You need to do xyz!" Uh did you guys forget this was a cultural exchange and it's sort of your job to show me around? You're fucking crazy if you thought I was gonna take public transit around Germany alone after being here for 3 days. That's not happening with this anxiety, swetums. Did I mention I don't even speak German? I don't speak German. And all offense but it's an ugly language, visually and audibly. I have no respect for European cultures anyway, if you didn't know. Never have, never will. Maybe Spain tho. Spain is pretty. 

Anyway, Monday morning I told her I was going to be leaving sooner than 2 weeks, like this week sooner than 2 weeks. She was maaaadd but the empath in me was turned off because I knew how secretly wicked she was, so I didn't care much. This is when shit got heavy and went left like antifa. 

She went to work and the father came home at about 2:30pm and asked for the SIM card in my phone (since they were paying for it) and the keys to their house, and I obliged. I was in the middle of sorting out accommodation and transportation for myself so I could get the fuck outta that house as soon as possible when the wifi stopped working. 

Five hours and many missed text messages from friends and my mom later, I discovered the father turned the wifi off and didn't think I would notice. I laid in my bed, in the basement, crying silently to myself because I was honestly terrified. I didn't know what the fuck was happening and why they would shut me off from the world like that. I felt so alone, I literally felt like I was 9 again, having a sleepover at someone's house and being extremely homesick, missing my mom like shit. I was in that room, in that city, in that country, with no support system whatsoever. Nobody to run to, I was completely alone. I started to panic because I didn't know what the hell I was going to do come tomorrow and they would probably try to kick me out in the morning (spoiler: I was right, I later found out that the mom wanted me to leave in the morning when they did because she didn't want me in her house while she was gone, she just never told me that). It was already 8pm and something in my gut told me I wasn't going to see that mother tonight despite her saying she wanted to talk about the situation when she got home (another spoiler: she never came home that night because she's pussy).

The Salad Fingers husband comes downstairs and tells me my mother wants to text with me, and I tell him the wifi isn't working and he shrugs it off. My eyeballs fall out of their sockets from being rolled so much. Ten minutes later I go upstairs to try to get a connection because I was in the basement after all, and still nada. The network wasn't even popping up and that Uncle Fester nazi looking motherfucker was in the corner messing with the router, thinking I wouldn't see him. I go downstairs, 10 minutes later I come back up and tell him the wifi isn't working AGAIN. He mumbles some shit about the son being upstairs and needing to take his medicine which was bullshit. I was beyond pissed off, you guys have no idea how close I was to cursing that grasshopper looking bitch out.

I go back downstairs and 20 minutes later my mom comes to the rescue, calling Mr. Salad Fingers on HIS phone so she can speak to me. She asked me if everything is okay and I just burst into tears because no, everything was far from okay. Salad Fingers and his white adjacent wife were planning to keep me from making plans to get out of their house safely. They were planning to keep me from making plans, kick me out the next morning, and leave me stranded. But not on my watch!

I talked on the phone with my mom for a bit, and it was hard since for some reason the connection was really shitty so us making plans took longer than expected because every 2 minutes we were saying to each other, "Can you hear me? Are you there?" We were scrambling trying to get into contact with anyone we could, anyone in the area that could help me get out of that house as soon as possible. I contacted their babysitter, their previous au pair, twitter friends, I was the fuck desperate. Right when we were getting somewhere, Salad Fingers goes, "It's been 30 minutes, I need my phone back." I said famalam. You not getting this phone back until you fix that wifi and undo whatever the fuck it is you did. He comes closer to me and I move back, thinking, "Wow, He's really gonna try it with me. He's really trying me on this rainy Monday night." In a failed attempt to retrieve his phone from me, he tries to grab me and I screamed loud as fuck making sure my mom heard me through the phone, telling him to get off of me. 

He resorts to calling the German police since I won't give him his phone back and I was literally like okay, fuck the police. Call the cops, I don't give a fuck. I'm still keeping your phone my nigga! Meantime in between time, I'm still on the phone with my mom and this iPhone is holding onto dear life with a 4% battery. I tell my mom the feds are coming for me so I gotta go, and she kept telling me to be nice and calm and I was like girl you already know I'm fake as hell. I got this. 

The feds arrive, they ask me what happened. I tell them the story. Salad Fingers is telling them some bullshit in German which was probably 99% WHITE lies indeed. I grab my bags, we leave the house, and the feds take me to the Evangelical Mission Station on track 11 at the Munich Central Bus Station where I spent the night and met this wonderful Brazilian girl who I talked with all night. She used to be an au pair and said the same thing happened to her and that it happens all the time, so I felt a little bit better knowing it wasn't really my fault that niggas is just crazy out here.

I was sitting in the shelter eating my chocolate croissant when the feds came back in saying they needed to search my bags and person because the white adjacent mother lied saying I stole some of her jewelry. But of course I turned out clean because I am a child of god. I did steal their adapter for my phone charger tho!


So the girl at the shelter (god bless her heart, I done forget her name. I will just call her Brazil) informed me that there wasn't much she could do to help me since the family hadn't registered me as an au pair, I wasn't in the system whatsoever. I was literally like an illegal immigrant ass nanny for a week of my life. And I still never got paid! Salad Fingers, Mother White Adjacent, and their quadroon children owe me 50 euros for my laburrr. But anyways, she told me I was working illegally and there were a few things the family failed to do on my behalf so I could be legally recognized in the country, and I was like woah, on some Aly & AJ shit. Just shook.

I went to sleep that night, woke up at like 6/7am Tuesday morning, bought a 24 euro bus ticket from Munich to Berlin as I freeloaded the wifi from the nearest Starbucks in the station, and was on my way. Which way was I going? I had no fucking idea, but I will tell you right now that I'm extremely proud of myself for getting around on my own by train and foot in a foreign country as I wheeled two heavy ass suitcases behind me and barely any money in my pocket and bank account. 

Two hours of walking and train-riding later, I find myself standing in the line to board a Flixbus for a 7-hour long journey to Berlin to stay with none other than some lovely Black women, yes you read that right, that offered to house me until I figured out what to do next. YES. BUHLACK WIMMENZ came to my rescue. In Germany. How did I find them, you ask? Through mutual friends and the grace of Gawd. The fact that I received help from Black women in a place like Germany turned me into a born-again Christian, truly. I believe in Gawd.

While I was in the line to get on the bus, 2 things happened; I met a sweet old Muslim lady that I ended up sitting next to and I got into a heated argument with this ugly German neanderthal trying to block me from moving forward in the line to put my luggage on the the bottom of the bus because he was mad I was trying to get ahead of him. But being me, I didn't give a fuck about his feelings and I have no idea why he would expect me to, looking the way he did. Words were exchanged, things were said, and all you need to know is that I really hate white men. A lot.

Seven hours and a pee break later, I'm in Berlin and as soon as I step off the bus I saw more niggas standing at a stop than I had ever seen in Munich. I was cold as fuck and didn't know what to do or where to go next because my phone had no reception and the wifi was dookie, but I still felt comforted after seeing Black people around me. Again, by the grace of Gawd, I got in contact with the girl I was supposed to be staying with and she gave me instructions on how to get to her. Somehow, some way, I made it to her without getting lost and without my phone dying since it was on 1% the whole time (and thankfully all the U-Bahn stops have free wifi, Germany finally did something right).

We meet, we go back to a friend's place (also another Black girl), and chill on the couch for a bit as we drink bottles of Club-Mate (shit was disCOSTIN) and various topics such as trash men and being broke in Berlin. I sat there thinking how grateful and lucky I was to end up with a group of Black girls who were more than willing to come to my aide, it was surreal. 

I'm safe and sound now, away from the U-Bahns, S-Bahns, quadroons, and instead gratefully temporarily residing in a flat with heat and Netflix, free to do whatever I want with my time and free from a psychopathic couple and their quadroon children. It sounds like some shit out of an unfinished script for Taken 4 but fam, that shit really happened to me. I'm mad as fuck it happened, but it happened and now I got a story to share with the interwebs and experiences to carry in my back pocket to tell repeatedly at kickbacks and cocktail parties in the future like the knockoff wanderlust white guy that I am.