ErinComment

What’s Really Good?

ErinComment
What’s Really Good?

I’ve really been ready to fight at any given moment lately because everything and everyone is just working my last nerve. It’s been my pride and joy these days to spread my bitterness and let everybody know how I’m really feelin’ cause why not? If you gettin’ on my nerves Ima tell you. If you said some shit that you thought was intelligent but was dumb as fuck I’ma tell you. If you tellin’ me some shit I don’t care for and didn’t ask for, Ima tell you. 

I happen to be a person that harbors many unpopular opinions and it's a part of my infamy at this point. One of those unpopular opinons is that Stinkmeaner was a relatable ass nigga. That nigga was basically born bitter and had no problem letting folks know and I can relate. I'm a Black woman. And I'm dark skinned. The world hates me and I hate y'all right back, TENFOLD. And I have absolutely no problem reminding you all every chance I get. I really think if I were to die today I would be one vengeful ass ghost. Just harassing everybody I hate however I can, floating around their house and throwing dishes around at 3am to make a mess and disturb their sleep. I would be an asshole in the afterlife. 

I'm most definitely in the middle of one of those depressive episodes where I'm even more of a hating ass bitch that hates everything and everyone. Doesn't mean my feelings aren't valid though. I am angry. I always have been, I always am, and I don't know how to stop it. I'm angry about the unnecessary shit I and people like me have to endure just to make it in this world, especially as creatives. Being independent and living comfortably isn't even the norm anymore but rather feels like a goal that many of us dream about that feels impossible and so far away. It's people out here holding positions in my dream job with no qualifications or even half of The Range™️ that's needed to do what needs to be done while I’m here struggling to make shit happen for myself. 

I'm angry because people love wasting my time like I won't strike them across the face with my freshly manicured hand and leave a mark on them physically, mentally, and emotionally. People really moving out here like I don't have better things to invest my time and energy into, half-assing shit with me. That shit enrages me like you wouldn't believe. The world is ending and you wanna waste my time? I will kill you. Sure I can brush it off every time it happens and say some cliche shit to myself about how valuable I am and how I don't need to be putting up with that, but it doesn't change the fact that it happened and that somebody's ass needs to be beat for wasting my time. Period. That goes for all facets of life; professionally, romantically, platonically, etc. Anybody can get it at this point.

I’m angry because niggas really out here idolizing me and putting me on a pedestal like I fucking asked. I’m a regular ass bitch that happens to have a brilliant mind. I’m not Jesus, I’m not your savior. When Hayley Williams screamed her heart out to you directionless hoes on Idle Worship I felt that. Please for the love of god stop telling me how much you looked up to me and how I disappointed you before you unfollow me because I really don’t give a single fuck. Nobody told you to be on Al Gore’s internet looking up to strangers that you know absolutely nothing about aside from what they WANT you to know. You don’t know me, we aren’t friends, I don’t even follow you. Act accordingly and let me live, otherwise you’re just gonna get your feelings hurt and disappoint yourself from all the pointless projecting and idolization. 

I'm angry because it's 2018 and I still have to explain to you menial motherfuckers how shit like racism works, to the very people that created it and to the people that benefit from it. These grasshopper lookin' motherfuckers still on Twitter and Instagram dot com being the human pests they are, whining and crying and bothering people because they don't understand shit that’s taught in a Sociology 101 class. I'm angry because I'm really living among a population of people who voted for a reality tv star with multiple failed business ventures that sports terrible fake tans and has zero political experience or education, as the 45th president of the United States of America. I live in the same vicinity as these people, these creatures are breathing my AIR. What the fuck yo? 

I'm angry because every single day of my life, still, I don't feel that being myself will be safe or lucrative for my career in the long run despite pieces of shit like R. Kelly who run pedophilic sex trafficking rings living life just fine and not doubting themselves one single bit. Now if you're simple, you probably just said something along the lines of, "Just be yourself." Unfortunately for me, I still don't know how possible that is no matter how bad I want it to be or how much I keep telling myself not to change. I speak my mind, I'm aggressive, I don't bite my tongue for no fucking body. That's seen as a deadly weapon coming from a dark skinned Black woman and I'm pretty sure most people don't fuck with that now do they? But I guess I would be letting them win if I shrunk and repackaged myself to be more palatable. Who's them? White people. White supremacy. Misogynoir. Racism. Antiblackness. All the forces and systems that try to keep me silent and 6 feet under.

I'm angry because simply existing has become so hard and the older I get, the less I wanna do it. I shouldn't have to be struggling to make it on my own because I couldn't afford to go to college and get a degree, thus possibly getting me a better-paying job. I shouldn't be so depressed as a result of my experiences and circumstances that even getting out of bed on a daily basis has become the ultimate struggle. I shouldn't have crippling anxiety 24 hours a day and 7 days a week because life is feeling like a race now and I'm afraid someone is going to beat me to my goals first and steal my spot, leaving me in the dust with no choice but to give up and go another route. I shouldn't have to experience feelings of deep sadness, self-loathing, and jealousy before genuine happiness and joy when I witness those around me succeeding. It’s a hard-knock life that I’m growing tired of.

I'm angry but I'm not being too hard on myself about it either because I'm human but also because I'm a product of my environment. It’s not my fault the world is shitty and I’m fully aware of it all. I got every right in the world to be mad. I'll do my best not to let it consume me but I'm not making any promises cause quite frankly I don't owe a single soul anything.