ErinComment

Girls Girls Girls

ErinComment
Girls Girls Girls

For as long as I can remember, I've been attracted to girls along with men. I was 12 when Jennifer's Body came out and that kissing scene sealed the deal for me. Whew chile the bicon jumped out of miss Megan Fox and I will forever love her for it. Still coming into my sexuality 9 years later at 21 years old has been a journey for me, albeit a very silent and private one. Many times I questioned myself because of how people policed bisexuality, saying you had to date this way and have sex with people like this and it just confused me. Am I straight with the occasional interest in girls? Am I just curious? Is it a phase? The answer is no, I'm straight up bisexual. And if it's a phase, it's been a long ass phase because my attraction to women is unwavering. In fact, the gay in me has been growing like a bun in the oven and I proudly nurture it with frequent admiration and interactions with pretty women.

There been some backlash against the song "Girls" by Rita Ora, Charli XCX, Cardi B, and Bebe Rexha because according to some, it's not an accurate portrayal of bisexual women and the LGBTQ community. And I call bullshit. I don't know how many times this has to be said but bisexuality doesn't look just one way. It seems that many people think when you're bisexual, especially as a woman because we're under scrutiny no matter what, your dating history and body count needs to have an equal amount of men and women when that's not true. Bisexual means you're sexually attracted to men and women at the very least, so if these girls wanna sing about wanting to fuck a girl, what's the problem? If a bisexual girl primarily dates men and messes with girls every now and then too, her bisexuality is still valid. And vice versa. Period. There is no criteria for being bi and I wish people would stop acting like it is just to use their critiques of someone's expression of their bisexuality to hide how much of a biphobic hater they are. 

The real tea is that even though some women may be bisexual, that doesn't mean that they want to necessarily be romantically involved with a woman. I know that's a hard pill to swallow for a lot of you but it is what it is, and it's no one's place to tell people how to go about their relationships with other people. There's nothing wrong with just wanting sex or seeing yourself settling down with a man even though you're a bi woman. Cause if a bi woman married a woman y'all would probably erase her bisexuality and call her a lesbian anyway. People critique bi women who marry/date men and bi women who primarily date women, there's no winning either way, I assure you.

 I do think there is a fine line between viewing women as sexual objects and simply wanting to have sex with them without anything serious. A very fine line. Most of the time when people, especially men, involve themselves with women sexually, the exchange and relationship can be very cold and emotionally devoid. And queer women are not exempt from doing that. People tend to think that because you're only having sex with each other that no warmth, friendship, or even respect needs to be present in the dynamic but I feel it tends to be different between 2 women especially from my experience. It just feels a lot more comfortable and wholesome to me, so I can personally see why bi people tend to have preferences with which gender they date and that's okay. Instead of chastising representation like this for bisexual women because it's "for the male gaze", you need to realize that everyone operates within their bisexuality differently, and you need to advocate for all forms of bisexual expression to be valid. Not just when it's romantic or with a certain gender. Sometimes people just wanna fuck.  

I feel like I fall into that group of bisexual women that other queer people love to criticize because we don't express our sexuality and date the way they want us to, or the way they think we're supposed to, so I'm taking this whole situation very personally. I have only ever dated guys because for a long time I wasn't sure about my sexuality and was afraid to act on it due to homophobia/queerphobia and was confused because like I said, many believe bisexuality has a certain look and the way my life was set up, I didn't fit that criteria. Up until now I had never been with a girl, flirted with girls, or even hinted to anyone about my sexuality. You make it really hard for bi people that are growing into their sexuality when you feel a certain way about how bisexuality is represented and how people act on their bisexuality. Not everyone's situation is going to look and be the same or be to your liking, so you need to accept that and mind your own pussies. Period.

There is valid criticism when it comes to women in music using bisexuality as some sort of marketing ploy to get more publicity and whatnot, but for once in my life I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say at the end of the day we know nothing about these celebrities' personal lives. For all I know some of these women that we think are straight could be bi or gay as hell and publicly only date men. Who! Knows! These people don't owe us shit when it comes to their privacy and explanations about their sexuality. At the end of the day it's all assumptions. None of us have a clue of who these women have slept with and what they do behind closed doors. We're simply judging their sexuality by some terrible lyrics and what's publicly presented to us from their lives via social media and some celebrity gossip. I don't care enough to be worked up over some celebrities' sexualities when I don't even know them. When I get all the tea and facts i.e a list a la Lindsay Lohan of everyone they've ever fucked and dated...

 The legend jumped out.

The legend jumped out.

...and a statement confirming their sexuality, I ain't got shit to say about these women personally. Because like Mariah Carey, I don't know her. And their pussies are none of my business really.

Lyrically, the Girls song could be better of course. But I've read the lyrics and failed to see what all the hoopla is about. As for the wine line, yes sometimes people need a little liquid courage to release their inhibitions. Don't y'all know that alcohol brings out the real you and tends to make you a little more sexual? A lot of you get wasted every weekend and love talking about how Henny turns you into a hoe so don't act different now. It's common knowledge that alcohol loosens people up and allows them to act more freely in social settings, this isn't anything new. People that are saying the fact that some women need to be drunk/tipsy in order to act on their sexuality with other women is problematic have forgotten why many need it in the first place; homophobia. Biphobia. Fear.

These women are afraid of the consequences that may arise from even attempting to openly explore their sexuality and aren't sure how to even approach another woman romantically/sexually because we live in such a heteronormative society. It's scary and anxiety-inducing when you want to talk to a girl but avoid doing so out of fear that you'll get turned down because she's straight or you're afraid of what other people will think. Straight people don't have to worry about that. Some queer people are afraid to sexually express themselves when they're sober because they're fully aware of the stigmas, the phobias, etc. and alcohol makes them forget all that shit. Instead of looking at the bigger picture and critiquing why some people need substances to make it through things, the way a lot of you need weed to function, you should be critiquing this queerphobic society and maybe even yourself in the process. 

And for the record, I'm not defending this song specifically because I literally haven't heard it and personally don't care for any of the artists involved, but rather I'm trying to get people to expand their view of what bisexuality is for women and what it looks like. I feel like a broken record when I constantly have to tell people that parts of my identity aren't a monolith. First my Blackness and now my sexuality. We all move differently. 

As far as Hayley Kiyoko's critique on the song which is what led me to write this post in the first place, I even more to say on that. 

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I'm kind of getting tired of the whole "male gaze" thing. If I wanna make a song about being intimate with another girl, I'ma do that anyway. Cause that's just how I am. I refuse to live my life or change who I am because of the white gaze and my actions might skew their view of me and people like me. That's on them. And I'm not gonna do that either with my sexuality when it comes to the male gaze. It's honestly starting to sound like "don't do that! {insert privilege dgroup here} are watching and they'll think differently of us!" Like nah. Stop that. Fuck them. I've grown out of telling Black women to stop acting a certain way and change the way they present themselves to the world because white people and whoever the hell else are watching, and we don't want to feed into stereotypes and whatnot, because it's bullshit. And I've learned to carry that mindset when navigating my sexuality as well. "Fueling the male gaze" sounds eerily similar to me like "feeding into racial stereotypes" and I'm not here for it. I'm grown. I'm gonna do what I want regardless of a gaze. I'm a bad bitch, of course people gonna be watching me anyway. 

Regarding "I don’t need to drink wine to kiss girls; I’ve loved women my entire life,”:

 Good for you, Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!

Good for you, Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!

Good thing this song isn't geared towards lesbians! This isn't about you, the lyrics in the song clearly hint towards bisexuality. You're a lesbian and one that's been sure of their sexuality their entire life, a lot of us were not the same way and still aren't. A lot of people haven't had the privilege to be that secure with their sexuality from early on. There's no need for you to reiterate how secure you are with your sexuality to a group of people like bisexual women whose sexuality is often invalidated by people like you *coughs*lesbians*coughs* with critiques and comments like yours. I couldn't tell you how many times I've seen lesbians being biphobic and openly saying how they'll never fuck a bisexual girl because she's confused and have been with men. The shit is disgusting so I'm not surprised it's a lesbian that's saying these things about bisexual women. A lesbian will never know how it feels to be a bisexual woman so I would appreciate it if they would stop trying to simultaneously speak over and for us.

It's extremely ironic that she said, "This type of message is dangerous because it completely belittles and invalidates the very pure feelings of an entire community." Are you the entire community? You're not even bi so I'm not seeing how this works. The LGBTQ+ community is made from millions of people, you are not the spokesperson of it, nobody is. Let alone a spokesperson for bi women who's not even bi. Fall back. Clearly I don't feel the same way as you do on this issue and I belong to this community, so there's one person you ain't finna be speaking for.

The only harmful thing I'm seeing in this situation is everyone's inability to see and accept how bisexual women navigate and grow into their sexuality, or even how questioning women explore their sexuality. How have we come to a point where we feel as though it's okay to infringe upon something so extremely personal and comment on how people express their sexuality? That's the real problem for me in all of this and it's extremely uncomfortable to watch people give their $0.02 like it even effects their lives.

I also didn't like her comment on "pure feelings of an entire community" because it sounds to me like she's labeling the sex and expression of sexuality by bi women with other women as something that's impure and only romantic love between two women is valid and pure. It's corny and it reeks of a lot of unpleasant things. The reactions to this song is something that I feel is the the result of groupthink mentality because again, when it comes to expression of sexuality there's not just one way to do it. I think it's weird that everyone is hopping on each other's opinions and agreeing with each other that there's a "right way" to express and represent bisexuality. It's one huge circle jerk that needs to end. There is no correct way to really represent bisexuality just like there is no real way to represent most other marginalized groups for that matter.

The way Black people and nonblack people of color dislike representation that's seen as stereotypical and ghetto is tricky because even though the representations you're not fond of and have been the images etched into people's minds when they think of your people, are plenty of people's realities. Black people hate slave movies but that shit happened and was very real. Black people hate portrayals of Black women who are single mothers and live in the hood but it's a reality for a lot of Black women whether you like it or not, and they deserve to be seen and represented too. The problem isn't who is represented, it's how often that narrative is shown and how other models within said marginalized groups of people ignored which limits being able to have an equal and healthy form of representation that includes everyone. Instead of trying to limit how groups of people are represented to the world because of narrow-minded people who take everything at face value, we need to accept the different realities that different people live in and normalize it instead of making it out to be some sort of negative anomaly. 

Scissoring is a myth btw, don't listen to Cardi.